Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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