If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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