I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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