im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
