Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
