that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
