Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
