One girl and one boy is just not enough.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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