He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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