and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i out mim tonsoeep
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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