I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
