I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
