benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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