peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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