my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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