We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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