Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Ladies don't puke and tell
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
