I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
