I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
