I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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