I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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