Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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