I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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