There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
