i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
