Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
