The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
