the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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