Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
