But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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