I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
