I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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