I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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