My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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