6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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