I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
