you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
