i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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