she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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