Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
