so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
