So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
