fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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