my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
ok first of all what the fuck
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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