I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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