Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
