that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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