there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
