all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
