We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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