Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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