omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize