You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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