Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
