what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
