i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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