the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
