Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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