Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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