I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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