You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
