just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
