I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
