What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
