I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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